The Bonds Within Read online

  Luke smirked, glancing at Matt's neck. "Nice mark, Matt. Get lucky last night?"

  Damn, he'd forgotten that Josh had bitten him the night before. He shrugged, taking another sip and placed the mug on the table. "You look happy. What's up?"

  "Sarah."

  It still amazed Matt that Luke liked both sexes, but Luke just said it gave him a larger dating pool. "So, is she interested in you?" he asked. He wanted to keep that happy look on Luke's face.

  Luke's smile widened. "I think so."

  Matt arched a brow. "You think so? Haven't you asked her out yet?"

  "I'm just...what if...what do I tell her?" Matt furrowed his brow and cocked his head. Huh? Luke saw the impression on his face and sighed. "About my past, Matt. What do I say?"

  Oh, yeah. What could you say? Both Tom and Ben had been lucky that their partners hadn't let their pasts interfere with their relationships. As for Josh? Well, he knew what Matt had done and didn't mention it, so Matt guessed he wasn't bothered either, but he didn't know for sure.

  "Why don't you wait and see what happens? You don't have to mention anything unless things become serious between you. You haven't even asked her out yet. You can cross that bridge when you come to it."

  "What about you? Who are you seeing?"

  Matt snorted. What could he say? Nothing, that's what. Matt wanted to shout it out to everyone that he was in love, but he knew he couldn't. He rubbed his chest glancing at Luke's face, seeing the concern etched there and closed his eyes. Matt didn't know what to say.

  Luke frowned. "What is it, Matt? What aren't you telling me? I know you're seeing someone, so why won't you tell me?"

  "It's complicated." It was beyond complicated, but he couldn't tell Luke that. Matt knew how Luke would react. How both Luke and Tom would react. God, he was so stupid. He should walk away. Why did he have to feel this way? Why did he have to love the one person he shouldn't? "I'm alright, I promise."

  Luke shook his head, staring closely at him. "No, you're not, Matt. Why are you lying to me? I see the way you're behaving. You're not you anymore, and I'm worried about you."

  "It's nothing. I just have some things to sort out, that's all. We have exams coming up, and I'm just a little worried about them."

  Luke sat back but continued to frown at him before slowly nodding. "Okay, I'll leave it for now."

  Matt's phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out reading the message. Josh wanted to meet him at his. He finished his coffee and stood up, smiling down at Luke.

  Picking up his bag, Matt said, "That was a friend from my course. He wants us to do some studying, so I'll see you later."

  Luke also stood up reaching out to him. "You'll tell me if there's wrong, won't you?"

  "I promise, Luke. You'll be the first to know."

  He smiled and waved as he moved past a group of people waiting to be served and left the shop, glancing over his shoulder. Luke was still stood watching him, and Matt waved again. Once he was out of sight, Matt groaned, dropping his head into his hands. God, he felt like shit for lying to Luke. But really, what choice did he have?

  Chapter Four

  Matt followed Josh into the kitchen and watched him pour a glass of whisky and slam it back before pouring another one. Josh hadn't spoken a word to him since he'd walked in, and Matt wasn't sure what he should do. Josh was clearly pissed off about something but didn't seem to want to talk about it. So, Matt stood in silence and watched as Josh filled his glass for the third time.

  Josh slammed the glass down and stormed over to where Matt stood, grabbing his arms and pushing him up against the wall. "Let's fuck, Matt. Right here."

  Matt swallowed, staring into Josh's hard eyes. "Josh, what's wrong?"

  "Nothing that fuckin' you won't solve," Josh told him as he started to undo Matt's jeans.

  Matt shook his head, pushing away from the wall and creating some distance between them. "No, something's wrong."

  Josh sneered at him as he stalked him, matching every movement Matt made. "I want to fuck you. Get over here and bend over the sofa, Matt." Josh reached out to grab Matt.

  Shaking his head again, Matt avoided Josh's outstretched hands. "No, not when you're like this."

  "Come on, Matt. I know you want it. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want me to fuck you." Josh tugged on the zip of his own jeans.

  Matt shook his head yet again, taking another step away from Josh. "I can't keep doing this, Josh. You asking me to come here just for sex. Are you going to tell people about us? Are you going to let people know? I don't want to be some dirty little secret."

  Josh's head snapped back, staring at Matt open-mouthed. "What? No fuckin' way."

  "What? Ashamed of me?"

  Josh frowned. "I'm not gay, that's why?"

  "It's safe to say you might be gay, Josh, when you've been sucking my dick and fucking me," Matt snapped back at him.

  "No, I'm fuckin' not. There's only one fag here and it sure as shit isn't me."

  "So what have we been doing then, Josh? 'Cause I'm pretty sure the things we've been doing are fag-like."

  "You're just a hole, Matt. You love being fucked. That's why you were getting paid for it."

  Matt gasped, staggering back. In all the time they'd been together, Josh had never mentioned the fact that he had been a rent boy living on the streets. He rubbed his chest at the ache developing there staring at Josh. "What?" he whispered. "What did you say?"

  Josh was pacing now, running his hands through his hair. He stopped and faced Matt, pointing to the spot in front of him. "Get over here, Matt."

  "No fucking chance," Matt gasped out. "I can't believe you just said that to me! Is that what you really think of me? Some whore you can fuck whenever you want." Matt lifted his hand to his mouth, shaking his head at Josh. Fuck, his chest ached and felt tight and heavy. His stomach churned, and he was certain he was going to throw up.

  "Isn't that why you were on the streets?'Cause you love it. Did you even take money, Matt, or did you do it for free?" Josh dropped his head, so he was glaring at Matt through his top eyelashes. An evil, nasty stare to match the smirk on his face.

  Matt stumbled over to his bag and picked it up. "Fuck you, Josh."

  "Leaving so soon? Hang on. Will you stay if I pay you?" Josh patted his jean pockets. "My wallet's around here somewhere."

  Matt snapped. "Do you know what it's like, Josh? To have no choice? Of course not. Mummy and Daddy did everything for you, even let you fuck up Uni. Pay for you to travel the world instead. Lucky you!

  "I didn't have that. My choices were very limited on the streets. That was almost four years ago, but you can't help but remind me of it, can you?" Matt shook his head, glaring sideways at Josh. "Just when I think it's finally behind me, you have to throw it all back in my fucking face. Don't call me again, Josh. We're over."

  Matt stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. As soon as he exited the block, he started running. The further away from Josh he got the better.

  When Matt was too winded to run anymore, he slowed down to a walk and eventually stopped to lean on a wall. His phone began to ring, and pulling it from his pocket, he checked the ID of the caller and saw that it was Josh.

  Matt stared at the screen until the call ended and he heard the beep telling him that a voicemail had been left. He gripped the phone tightly in his hand before he let his arm drop by his side. Tilting his head up, Matt stared at the starless sky. He shouldn't listen to the message. He knew it would be Josh apologising to him. This argument had been the worst one they'd had, not that they had many, and Josh had never mentioned his past before.

  But the way Josh had made him feel with the things he'd just said. Matt shook his head, closing his eyes at the sudden rush of tears and took in a shaky breath.

  His phone started ringing again, and again, Matt ignored it. When it stopped, he heard the sound of a message coming through. Matt checked the screen seeing it was Josh again. He slid down the wall until
he was kneeling back against it, and dropped his head forward. Another call and another message came through, and he ignored that as well.

  When his phone rang for the fourth time, he answered it without bothering to check the screen, "Stop calling me."

  "Fuck, I'm glad you answered. I'm so sorry, Matt. I shouldn't have said those things to you. It's been a rough day for me. The parents were here making demands and going on about Seb, and I took it out on you. Please, forgive me."

  Matt rubbed his eyes as he listened to Josh. He sounded sincere, but he shouldn't go back to him. He should walk away, but he couldn't, could he? Matt knew this. He loved Josh so fucking much. Matt sat in silence listening to Josh breathing down the line and bit his lip. He couldn't say the words to end it, not now the anger was draining from him.

  "Matt, please. Please come back to me," Josh begged.

  "This is the last time, Josh. If you ever say shit like that again, it's over for good. And I want to talk about us telling people that we're together. I don't want to keep hiding this."

  He heard Josh sigh before he spoke. "Okay. We can talk about it. Will you come back?"

  "Yeah, I'll be there as soon as I can."

  Ending the call, Matt stared at the phone in his hand then shoved it in his pocket. He stayed in the same position watching a couple of cars drive past thinking about Josh. Why couldn't he walk away from Josh? Why did he keep putting himself through this?

  Pushing up from the wall, Matt started to walk back towards Josh's apartment rubbing his face. It hurt so much being with Josh, but the pain was far worse being away. He hated the fact that he loved him. It was like he was constantly being torn in two. He felt such highs when he was with him, and depressing lows when they were apart. A roller coaster of emotions.

  Matt shook his head. Would it be like this if people knew they were a couple? Josh knew how Matt felt. He had to. Matt couldn't hide those emotions from Josh. He knew that they showed on his face when they were together. And they did have fun together. Josh could make him laugh until he was crying, but Josh could also hurt him so much that it felt like a physical pain enveloping him.

  It was times like this he wanted to walk away. He needed to walk away, but he couldn't. Josh only had to say that he was sorry, and Matt was back there.

  Why did love hurt so much? Why did he need Josh so much? Why couldn't he leave Josh and never go back? He wanted more, needed more, but he knew he wouldn't ask for it. He would keep seeing Josh in secret, hidden from everyone. Matt knew he'd told Josh they would talk about being open, but he also knew deep down he wouldn't demand it. Afraid his demands would end things, but knowing deep down that no matter what happened, Matt would always go back to Josh.

  Stopping outside the apartment block Josh lived in, Matt stared up at the windows. The curtains were closed, and the lights were on. He sighed, dropping his gaze to the ground and closing his eyes as they began to itch and water. His chest was tight, and he took a couple of steps away from the apartment block before he again sighed and turned back, walking towards the entrance. What would it take for him to walk away and not return?

  The door was open when he reached it, and Matt stepped in, closing it quietly behind him. He paused at the threshold to the living room and watched Josh as he stood next to the sofa, his shoulders slumped, rubbing his face with his hands.

  "Josh," Matt muttered from where he stood behind him.

  Josh spun around to face him, mouth slightly open, eyes going wide. "You came back. I didn't think you would."

  Matt shrugged, dropping his bag to the floor. "I said I would, didn't I?"

  Josh walked over to him and cupped his face in his hands, "I know you did, but I thought...I thought I'd ruined things."

  Matt gazed up as Josh leant down and kissed him. Matt's eyes closed as the kiss deepened and he opened his mouth to let Josh's seeking tongue in. He reached his hands up and held Josh's wrists, needing that connection to him. Josh walked them backwards, and Matt knew their destination. The back of his legs bumped against the side of the bed and Josh released his face to pull his T-shirt off then grab the hem of Matt's. Pulling it over Matt's head, Josh dropped it on the floor next to his own.

  Matt kicked off his shoes and pulled his jeans, boxers and socks off, watching Josh do the same. He crawled back on the bed, resting his head on the pillow and gazed up at Josh as he crawled over him. Josh settled his weight on top of Matt's, and Matt held him tight in his arms as they kissed again. Their tongues tangled and caressed, sliding past one another, and they both moaned at the contact.

  Josh's hand moved to hold Matt's jaw, and he pushed it up, kissing along it and down his neck. Matt moaned when Josh gently bit him and then licked the mark. When cold air blew across the wet patch of skin, Matt shuddered, raising his hips to rub Josh, feeling their erections slide past each other.

  Josh took both their dicks in his hand and stroked them as he continued to kiss and bite a path down Matt's chest. He heard the lube being opened as Josh rolled them and Matt found himself on top of Josh. He leant down to kiss Josh, biting his lip when Josh pushed two fingers into his arse. He groaned, shivering as Josh moved them in and out, fucking him with them. Josh didn't begin slowly either. Hard and fast, he moved his fingers in and out Matt's arse.

  Matt heard the condom wrapper crinkle when Josh opened it, and Matt took it from Josh when he handed to him. He moved back slightly so he could roll the condom down Josh's hard shaft, and once it was on, he rose up and slowly lowered himself onto Josh's cock.

  When the head pushed past Matt's muscle, his head dropped back, his eyes closing as he felt his muscle stretch, swallowing Josh's wide shaft. He didn't stop moving until he was fully seated, then he opened his eyes and looked down at Josh.

  Josh's eyes were closed, and he was biting his bottom lip, his hands gripping Matt's hips. Matt felt Josh's hands tighten on him, and he slowly pulled up then dropped back down riding Josh's cock and watching his face. When Josh opened his eyes and stared up at him, Matt was certain he could see the love in his expression.

  Josh sat up, and Matt wrapped his legs around Josh's hips as Josh held him and started to move him on his dick. Fuck, Matt loved it. Loved the fact that Josh was strong enough to move him like that. To lift him up and down. To control him.

  Matt gripped Josh's hair in his hands, angling his head and plunging his tongue into Josh's mouth. Deep, open-mouthed kisses, their tongues coming out to tease and touch, sliding past each other, and then tangling together.

  Matt moaned deeply into Josh's mouth and reached between them to fist his dick, stroking fast. He was so close. His balls pulled up tight. The closeness between them and the way Josh was looking at him made Matt moan deeply. At that moment, Matt could believe that Josh cared about him, that he even loved him.

  The thought that Josh could love him brought him to the edge. His orgasm was closing in. His balls drew up even more and started to tingle, and he gasped when Josh bit his shoulder.

  Josh jerked and shuddered beneath him, shouting out and gripping Matt's hips tightly. Matt closed his eyes, the tingling intensifying and shooting up his shaft. He arched back crying out as ribbons of come shot from his dick and coated their abdomens. Matt jerked through his orgasm, shocked by the intensity.

  How long his orgasm lasted for, Matt didn't know. When he finished coming, Matt rested his head on Josh's shoulder panting, trying to catch his breath. He'd never come so quickly, and neither had Josh. The sex between them was always intense.

  After a few seconds had passed, Matt reached a hand behind him and held the condom as he lifted off of Josh, rolling onto his side and breathing deeply. Josh stood and went to the bathroom to clean up, and Matt eventually stood up and followed him, pausing at the doorway to watch him. Josh reached back and handed him the washcloth, a slight smile on his face.

  Once Matt was clean, Josh took his arm and led them back to his bed. They climbed in and lay next to each other before Josh pulled Matt to him so Matt could re
st his head on Josh's chest. Matt lay listening to Josh's heartbeat and his breathing, and once he was sure Josh was asleep, he slowly sat up and hugged his knees to his chest, looking at Josh's face and body.

  He hadn't been with anyone before Josh, not after his time on the streets. For a long time, he thought he might never have sex again.

  In all the times he had been paid for a fuck or a blowjob, he'd never come. He hadn't wanted to enjoy it. Why would he? It was just an act he needed to perform so he could go on living.

  So, why Josh? Matt shook his head slowly. He wasn't sure why he'd allowed Josh in and let him be the first one he had sex with. The first one to get close to him.

  Matt continued to gaze at Josh. God, Josh was attractive. His dark hair and strong jaw. He looked a little like his brother, Seb, but in other ways, he was very different. The shape of their eyes was different, and they were a slightly different shade of brown. Josh's were more hazel than Seb's.

  Josh wasn't ripped as he didn't spend hours at a gym, but he was toned. Matt reached over and slid his hand down Josh's chest and abdomen, the hairs tickling his palm. His skin was hot and smooth as Matt glided his hand over it. There was nothing about Josh's body that Matt didn't like, and when they were together, he made him feel emotions he hadn't known he was capable of.

  Could he walk away from this?

  Matt sighed again, lying down and rolling onto his back. He knew he shouldn't stay, that he shouldn't keep coming back, but he couldn't stay away. He closed his eyes as tears spilt over the lids and rolled down the side of his face. He blinked them rapidly to clear his eyes, but more tears fell. He rolled his head over the pillow to watch Josh as he slept and sighed again.

  Why did he have to love Josh Banks?

  Chapter Five

  "I can't wait for this year to finally be over!" Ben told them as they ate.