The Bonds Within Page 6

Why would he tell people? He wasn't gay. He wasn't attracted to men. Only Matt. Only Matt managed to do something to him. Make him feel things he'd never felt before. Not even women made him get so hard he could barely think. Matt only had to look at him, and he wanted to fuck his brains out.

  Josh groaned in frustration. Fucking Matt. This was all his fault. Matt and Seb. His fucking parents. Josh shook his head. Things were bad enough with his parents. No fucking way was he telling them he was fucking a man. A man that lived with their faggot son.

  His parents. Fuck. Why did he have to have parents like them? He was never good enough for them. Sure, they threw money his way and let him do what he wanted, but they were never there for him. They didn't give a shit about him. It was all Seb, Seb, Seb. Golden fucking boy. They'd written Seb out of their will, yet they still invited him over. Trying to talk him out of his relationship with Tom.

  Even before Seb had gone to Uni, their parents treated them differently. Only had eyes for Seb. So Josh had rebelled. Cut school, did drugs and got pissed. Committed petty crimes. Even paid people to help him with his exams. Cheated his way through school.

  His parents had constantly dragged him to church. When he'd been arrested for joy riding, his parents had taken him to church to pray for his soul, and at home, his dad had locked him in his room. Not that he'd stayed there. First chance he got, he'd climbed out the window and found some friends. Spent the rest of the night getting high.

  That was his life. Church, getting stoned and fucking girls. Yeah, he'd enjoyed that too, until Liz had gotten pregnant. Told him she was on the pill, but she wasn't. Stupid bitch.

  Nothing he did got the attention he'd wanted. His parents had only two interests in their life. Church and Seb. In that order too. Why they'd had children, he'd never know. They were shit parents.

  But Seb had escaped. He'd gone to Uni, and after Tom had admitted he was gay and had been kicked out for it, Josh's parents had dragged him to church every time they could. They didn't want a gay son. Not like poor Tom's. It had been bad before Tom had come out. The church outings and the praying. Josh had fucking hated it, but not as much as he did after Tom had left.

  This was all Tom's fault. Why did he have to be gay? Why did he have to be with Seb? Of all the people Tom could find, it had to be Seb. Tom, the whore. How many men had fucked him? How many dicks had he sucked?

  Josh snorted in disgust. Giving his arse to anyone who flashed some cash at him, and that reminded him that Matt was a cocksucker too. At least Josh had been getting it for free. And Matt sure knew how to suck his dick. His mouth was awesome.

  Wasn't that what rent boys were for? To fuck and have them suck your dick? Just like Tom and that other queer cunt that lived there. Bet they had orgies at weekends. All their faggot friends over to fuck the three rent boys.

  He'd wasted enough of his time on Matt. Time to go out and get some pussy.

  Walking over to where he'd thrown his phone, Josh picked it up and sighed when it came on. He called one of his mates and arranged to go out that night. Fuck everyone. He was getting some pussy tonight. He didn't need Matt. Josh rubbed his chest thinking about Matt.

  No, he didn't need him.

  ❊❊❊

  The music was loud and the bass reverberated around the club. Josh stood in a darkened corner with his hand up some girl's dress, trying to get into her knickers. He pushed the material aside and ran his fingers over her wet lips as he sucked her tongue into his mouth.

  He ran a finger over her clit before he pushed one in. He started to fuck her with one and then pushed another in. He felt her grab his wrist and pull his hand out from her knickers. She unzipped his pants and reached into fist his dick and pull it out. Josh moaned into her mouth as she stroked his semi-hard shaft. He pushed his dick through her fist but struggled to get hard. He closed his eyes and tried to think of something, anything that would work. He wanted to come.

  Matt's face appeared, and he started to think of the last time they'd fucked. Within seconds, his dick was rock solid, and he fucked her fist, wanting to come. He kept his eyes closed as he pictured Matt on his knees in front of him, sucking his dick. Fuck, his mouth was hot.

  He shuddered as his balls drew up and his dick pulsed before he grunted and started to shoot over her hand. When he'd finished, he leant on her for a few seconds before tucking his dick in his pants and fastening them.

  "Thanks," he muttered as he turned and walked away.

  "What? Is that it?"

  He didn't respond, but carried on walking back to the table where his friends sat. As he sat down, he heard them talking about two men sat on another table.

  "Makes me sick. Look at them, fucking kissing and shit in public," Andy shouted.

  Josh looked over at where Andy was pointing and watched the two men sat at the table. They were leaning close together and occasionally kissed as they talked.

  Josh faced the table and overheard Charlie talking. "There's nothing wrong with what they're doing."

  Andy's jaw clenched. "Yeah, there is. I don't wanna see that."

  "Then don't look," Charlie told him, shrugging.

  "Don't look? It's right there in front of my fucking face." Andy pointed over to the couple.

  "So what? It's not like they're going to other straight couples and asking them to stop, is it? They don't seem to be offended by straight couples kissing or dancing. Why is it that the gay community has to endure all this bigotry? You love who you love, Andy."

  Andy leant over the table and pointed his bottle at him. "You gay? You a cock sucking fag?"

  Charlie slammed his bottle down on the table, causing the other drinks to shake. "No, but my brother is, and it doesn't bother me. He didn't choose it, and I was there every day as he tried to fight it. He tried to be someone he wasn't, and when he eventually told out parents, he cried. Do you know why, Andy?" Charlie leant closer to Andy, getting in his face. "He cried from the relief of being able to finally be honest with himself and who he truly was. I support him. I will always support him, and if this is how you're gonna be 'cause of that, well, fuck you and fuck off. There's far too much hatred in this world."

  "You telling me to fuck off, fucking fag lover?" Andy stood leaning over the table. "It's you who needs to fuck off. We don't want your sort here."

  "What sort is that?" Charlie also stood, pushing Andy back.

  "Just fuck off, Charlie, and forget you know my number."

  "Too right I will. Why would I want to be friends with you?" Charlie pushed past Josh and walked away.

  "Can you fucking believe that? Fucker's brother's a cocksucker. You know what they're like, don't you? Have to lock the kids up now. Fucking rapists and pedos, those fags are."

  Josh faced Andy across the table and caught Sandra's eyes as she stared in horror at Andy.

  "Is that how you feel, Andy?" she asked him.

  "Too right I do. Gotta keep the kids safe. Should we tell the cops 'bout it?"

  "You're a fucking idiot." Sandra stood up and pushed past Andy, who attempted to grab her.

  "Hey, what's your problem?"

  "Got a problem with lesbians too?"

  "No way." Andy smiled. "Nothing wrong with a bit of girl on girl action." He cupped his dick, leering at Sandra.

  "Unbelievable," she muttered. Turning to Josh, she added, "He's all yours."

  Josh furrowed his brow. Seb wasn't a pedo or child rapist. He was a decent guy. Was this what he had to go through because he was gay and in a relationship with Tom? Did he have to face this level of hatred every day? Josh knew their parents were bad, but he honestly thought they were a one-off. Clearly, that wasn't the case. And then there were the things he said to Seb.

  He continued to frown at the bottle in his hand. Thank fuck things had finished between him and Matt. No way was he going to go through that shit for a fucking whore.

  "Hey, Josh. Wanna tap up some girls? Need a fuck."

  Josh looked across the table at Andy and nodded, but didn't
follow when Andy stood and walked away. He was pissed off that he had to think about Matt to get hard. Fuck him. Why couldn't he get it up when he was fingering that girl? Why did he have to think about Matt? He was just a fuck. Nothing more. He meant nothing to him.

  So, why couldn't he stop thinking about him? The way he smiled at him. The way he'd touched him when they'd been together.

  Josh dropped his head in his hands. He needed to drink some shots then find some girl to fuck. That would help him get over Matt. He rubbed at his chest when he thought about fucking a girl. His stomach was like lead, and he took a shaky breath in.

  Grabbing his bottle of beer, Josh finished it and slammed it on the table. He needed to move on from Matt. He meant nothing to him. Nothing.

  Standing, he scanned the dance floor, and seeing a brunette in the corner, he walked towards her. It wasn't long before they were doing shots together and then Josh was feeling her up. When he suggested they go back to hers, she smiled and grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the exit.

  Looked like he was getting the fuck he wanted. So, why did he feel like shit? Why did he feel like he was going to be sick?

  Chapter Nine

  Josh woke and groaned. His head pounded, and his mouth tasted like shit. He rolled over and stopped when he felt a warm body next to him. He smiled and worked his arm around the body, then froze. He moved his arm slightly. Yeah, those were tits. He opened his eyes and squinted at the body next to him.

  Fuck. It was the girl he'd met at the club the night before. He needed to get out before she woke. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to her. He searched the room and found his clothes on the floor. Carefully, he moved from the bed and quietly put his clothes on.

  Once dressed, he stared down at her. Yeah, she was good-looking, but she didn't do it for him. How he'd managed to fuck her was beyond him. His body didn't react at all to thoughts of fucking her again. He needed to get home and shower her smell off of him.

  When Josh got home, he closed the front door behind him and leant back against it, closing his eyes. Pain battered his head, and his stomach lurched as sweat poured from his body. His stomach churned violently, and he stumbled to the bathroom, managing to make it to the toilet before throwing up. Leaning his head against the cold seat, Josh closed his eyes, breathing heavily through his mouth.

  Matt. His first thought was Matt. When he'd woken, he thought he'd been with Matt. Had wanted to wrap his arms around him. Had wanted to hold him. Why the fuck was he thinking like this? Matt was a good fuck, that was all. Nothing but a hole to stick his dick into.

  Struggling to stand, Josh dug his phone from his pocket, checking it for messages. Nothing from Matt. Over the past week, he'd left numerous messages and texts telling him to call, but Matt hadn't. He dialled his number again and heard it ring, but after a few seconds, it went through to voicemail.

  "Fucking call me back, Matt," he growled into the phone, walking into the living room.

  He threw his phone on the sofa and paced the room as he ran his hand through his hair. His heart beat rapidly in his chest, and his stomach rolled. He swallowed hard as he rubbed his clammy hands together.

  He stopped pacing and swallowed again, closing his eyes. Why wouldn't Matt return his calls? Why was Matt like this? Had he finally chased him away? How could he fix this? What did he have to do? What did he have to say? Matt always, always returned his calls or responded to his texts.

  He rubbed his stomach, dropping on the sofa. Slumping forward, Josh dropped his head into his hands, resting his elbows on his thighs. As he lifted his hands, he caught the scent of the woman he'd fucked the night before.

  Grimacing, he stood and stripped off as he walked to the bathroom. In the shower, he scrubbed until he was certain the smell of that girl was gone from his skin. He'd never done this after he'd fucked Matt. That thought made him pause. He'd never scrubbed Matt's scent from his body. What was it about Matt? Why couldn't he walk away?

  Matt was wrong. Josh wasn't gay. He could look at a thousand men and not find one attractive. But when he looked at Matt? His body reacted.

  Groaning, he shut off the shower, and after drying quickly, he dressed and checked his phone again. Still nothing from Matt. He rang him again and shouted when it went straight through to voicemail and threw his phone at the wall.

  "Fuck," he muttered when he heard the crack. Picking the phone up, he looked at the screen and saw the cracks on it. "Fuck."

  What could he do to fix this?

  ❊❊❊

  Josh stared at the long line of customers and silently groaned. He didn't want to be working today, but he needed the money. Pretending to be nice and happy and always smiling when really he wanted to tell the lot of them to fuck off. Why did he have to work in a coffee shop?

  "Will this never end?" Reuben asked.

  Josh shrugged. He couldn't be arsed with it. "What did you do at the weekend?"

  Reuben smiled as he answered, "Me and my girl went into the city. We had a great night. You?"

  "Same here. Picked up some girl at a club and spent the night at hers."

  "Nice one."

  "Yeah, good fuck too." Josh swallowed as he turned away. He inhaled as he rubbed his chest. Even now when he thought about it, he felt ill. Stomach-churning ill.

  "Gonna hook up with her again?"

  "Nah. Don't want a girlfriend."

  "Doesn't need to be a girlfriend, just a fuck buddy," Reuben told him.

  Josh didn't answer, but thought of Matt. He closed his eyes and clenched his fists. Matt was just a fuck buddy, so why did he miss him? Why did he want Matt to return his calls?

  Josh opened his eyes to see his mother stood in front of him. She had a stern look on her face, her eyes narrowed, her lips pinched together. She smiled slightly when their eyes met, then frowned at him.

  "Joshua, when are you going to be coming over? We haven't seen you recently."

  "I've been busy with work, Mum."

  She waved a hand dismissively at him. "Have you seen Seb recently? He didn't come around for Sunday lunch. He wanted to bring it with him, and we naturally refused. We can't be seen with that kind of person. Why Seb hasn't grown out of this phase puzzles us. It's been three years now. He needs to grow up and realise that that lifestyle isn't acceptable. We can't have our son out socialising with those types of people."

  "What? Gay people?"

  His mother leant forward and whispered, "You know what type I'm referring to, Joshua. Don't call them gay. They are nothing more than scum. God, I pity any children who come into contact with them. Those poor parents must have to lock their children away when those sinners are around. Rapists and paedophiles."

  Josh shook his head at her. This was the reason he'd never tell anyone about him and Matt. He didn't need this shit in his life.

  "Don't shake your head at me, Joshua. You need to come to church with us. You haven't been in awhile, and I'm certain you could do with hearing the word of our Lord."

  "What can I get you? Coffee, tea, muffin?"

  His mother frown deepened before she answered. "Nothing, thank you. We will see you Sunday for church, Joshua. No excuses. Oh, and dinner tonight. The Wrights will be coming over, and they have a lovely daughter your age. It will do you some good to meet a nice wholesome young woman."

  Josh watched her leave the shop. How the fuck was he going get out of tonight? The last thing he wanted to do was go to his parents and listen as they tried to fix him up with someone. And church on Sunday? He'd thought he'd gotten out of the whole church-going, bible-thumping, praying shit. But, no. His parents tried to drag him along as often as possible and always used the fact that they gave him money to help him out.

  He looked at the queue forming and sighed as he went to take the next order.

  ❊❊❊

  Throwing his coat on the sofa, Josh grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge and necked half of it before he put it down. Today had been difficult. He'd struggled more than usual
. His thoughts constantly strayed to Matt. What was he doing? How were his exams going? How was he feeling?

  Fuck, he needed to get his mind off of Matt. Maybe he needed to fuck someone else, because clearly, Saturday night's fuck hadn't worked.

  Finishing the bottle, he had a quick shower and dressed to go to his parents. He wasn't looking forward to this. Playing nice for his parents' guests. Smiling and saying the right things that would please them. Why couldn't they let him live his life? Josh snorted. They did in a way, didn't they?

  When he'd dropped out of University, they hadn't been impressed, but he'd told them he wasn't ready and needed to explore the world first. He'd worked on a cruise liner, but after one trip out, he'd known he never wanted to set foot on a boat again. So, he'd travelled. Met other people doing the same thing. Laughing and fucking and getting stoned. He'd fucking loved it.

  As soon as Josh had come back, his parents had immediately wanted him to go back to Uni, but again, he'd told them he wasn't ready, and he would enrol the following year, but he hadn't. Now, he worked in a dead end job, bored out of his mind. He liked meeting new people, but where was he going?

  Matt. He seemed to know what he wanted. He had his head screwed on straight. Josh rubbed his eyes as they started to burn and itch. His chest was heavy, and he struggled to breathe. Why the fuck was he getting upset over Matt? Matt had walked away, not him. So what if he had some girl on his lap. Wasn't like he was going to fuck her.

  Grabbing his coat, he left his apartment and walked to his car. As he drove to his parents, he thought about Matt again. It seemed like Matt was all he thought about. The way he looked. The way he smelled. The way his face and body relaxed when he was asleep. Josh would watch Matt when he slept.

  Josh slammed the palm of his hand on the steering wheel. What kind of man was he that he would look at another guy when he slept? But there was no denying it. He'd done exactly that. He'd watched Matt. When he slept, when he revised or studied.

  He needed to stop thinking about him. He wasn't worth his time now.

  Rubbing his chest, he parked outside his parents' house. His stomach was hard, and he swallowed, clenching the steering wheel in his hands. He didn't want to be here.