The Bonds Within Read online

  "You can't seriously believe that shit. You seriously think that Seb would abuse some kid on the street. You're more fucked up than I thought."

  "You shut that mouth of yours right now, boy. Remember what we do for you." John pointed a finger in Josh's face.

  Josh knocked the finger away as he snorted. "What? Throw money at me rather than be a fuckin' parent? Pick me up from the cop shop then pray for my immortal soul. How about actually being a fuckin' parent and showing me some fuckin' emotion? I'm your son too, but you only ever give a shit about Seb."

  Seb blinked. "What? Me?" he asked, eyebrows rising.

  "Yeah, you. It's Seb this and Seb that. It's like the sun shines out of your fuckin' arse. I'm always compared to you, and I'm never fuckin' good enough!" Josh shouted.

  Seb shook his head, staring at him with his mouth open. Seb turned to their parents. "You compare us?"

  "Oh, yeah. You're the golden child, and I'm the fuck up who, rather than disciplining and actually being a parent too, they throw money at instead. Fuckin' awesome. I can't –"

  Josh's head snapped to the side, and he grunted from the impact, raising a hand to the side of his face. He heard scuffling sounds next to him and twisted to find Seb pushing their father away.

  "Don't you lay one fucking hand on him," Seb shouted. "Stay the fuck away from him."

  "Don't you speak to your father like that. We didn't raise you to behave this way, Sebastian."

  "Yeah, Sebastian. Be the perfect son and do as you're told." Josh mimicked Kath.

  Seb glanced around the room before he shook his head. "I'm going."

  "Back to that fag. I'm telling you now, Sebastian. If you leave this house, don't ever come back." John glared at Seb.

  Seb shrugged. "Fine." He faced Josh. "Come to mine when you're ready to talk."

  Josh watched Seb leave the room and heard the door slam shut a few seconds later.

  "I can't believe he would choose that child rapist over us."

  "Really, Mum. You can't? Have you two ever listened to the shit that spouts from your mouths? No, you haven't. It's a fuckin' nightmare having you two for parents. I'd suggest reading up on what being a parent is, but it's not the Bible, so that's not fuckin' likely."

  Josh's back slammed the wall as John pushed him against it. "Don't you talk to us like that. We gave you everything you wanted. You've needed nothing." John sprayed spittle in Josh's face as he shouted.

  "Except a parent that actually cared."

  Josh pushed him away and straightened his clothes. He glanced between them before walking out of the house.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Matt had tears streaming down his face as he laughed at Luke.

  "You fucking Googled it?" he asked when he eventually calmed down.

  "Well, I've only had sex with men. I don't know all the things I should do to a woman."

  Matt started to laugh again. "I'm gay, and I know what to do."

  Luke muttered under his breath, and Matt laughed harder. "I don't want to hurt her. I've never had sex with a woman before, and yes, I do know what goes where, but I want her to enjoy it." Luke paused as he glanced around the coffee shop they were sat in and rubbed his head as he continued, "I don't want it to be like it was for us."

  Matt sobered. "It won't be because you care for her. It's been three years since then, and you've taken the time to get to know her, and you've finally asked her out."

  Luke nodded. "Taking her out for a meal."

  "Wow, all grown up and shit." Matt smiled, bumping his shoulder against Luke's.

  Luke blushed, looking at him through his hair. "So, who are you seeing?"

  Matt sat back and stared out of the window. Luke had been asking him for days now, and he'd managed to deflect the question, but hated all the lying. If he told him...

  "You know you can trust me. Why won't you tell me?"

  "Josh," Matt whispered. Strangely, he felt instantly better, lighter in himself once he'd told Luke.

  "Huh?"

  "It's Josh."

  Luke looked at him with a frown on his face. "Josh? As in Seb's younger brother, Josh?" Matt nodded, reaching for his drink and hastily taking a sip.

  "I'm sorry. Did you say, Josh? As in the bloke who hates all gays and wants us all to rot in hell?"

  "Yeah."

  "Why?"

  "Why?" Matt repeated, staring blankly at Luke.

  Luke rubbed his face, and then continued. "Josh. Why Josh? Why not someone else? How did it start? How long has it been going on for?"

  "We met in a club about six months ago."

  "Six months?" Luke's mouth fell open as he stared at Matt. "Six fucking months."

  "About that, yeah." Matt looked at the cup in his hands as he answered.

  "Fuck, six months. I'm just...he's the last...fuck. Do Tom or Seb know?"

  Matt snorted. "'Course not. I'm not that stupid. Tom would lose his shit over it."

  "Yeah, you're right. He would. So, how is it?"

  Matt shrugged, sighing. "I don't know."

  "He's treating you right."

  Matt glanced away and heard Luke mutter, 'fuck', behind him. He faced him as he spoke. "It's not easy. He has a lot going on. A lot on his mind."

  Luke snorted. "Really? You could've fooled me. He needs therapy."

  Matt leant back in his chair. "Yeah, he does. He...he can get so mad...I don't know..."

  "Has he hurt you? You're careful?"

  Matt looked away again. "He hasn't hurt me physically, not really."

  "Not really? What, so he's hit you?"

  "No! Fuck, no. It's just...some of things he says...fuck." Matt dropped his head into his hands and felt Luke put his arm around him.

  "How did it start?" Luke asked.

  Matt sighed. "I met him in a club one night, and it just carried on from there."

  "And you never thought to tell me?"

  "I wanted to, I did, but Josh is so..." Matt bit his lip. "Josh doesn't want anyone to know."

  "I bet," Luke muttered. Sighing, he asked, "Do you love him?"

  "Yeah. Yeah, I do," Matt whispered.

  "Okay, then I'm here for you. Whenever you need to talk –"

  "I don't know how long I can keep doing it for," Matt blurted out. "The secrecy and all the lies I'm telling. I just want to be open and honest, but he won't. He doesn't want anyone to know about us, and it hurts, Luke. It really hurts. I've walked away so many fucking times, but I keep going back. I can't stay away from him." Matt choked off as his throat ached and his eyes burned.

  "Because you love him."

  Matt rubbed his eyes as he sat up. "Doesn't mean I should stay with him."

  Silence descended.

  "Do you want to leave him?" Luke eventually asked.

  "I don't know. I should. I know I should. The things he says. We don't go out together. We only stay at his place. Sometimes I feel like I'm his fuck buddy. Sometimes...I feel...I feel like I'm back on the streets only I'm not getting paid, you know. I don't know how to explain it." Matt paused, struggling to find the words to explain everything he felt. "But, there are times when I see the way he looks at me, and I know he feels something for me."

  "Do you think he hates himself for the way he feels? Think about his parents. Look at the way they treat Seb because of Tom. It can't be easy for him." Luke paused. "Fuck, I can't believe I just defended Josh."

  Matt snorted. "That's why I stay. I know he can't help the way he –"

  "If he wanted to change, he would," Luke said. "What about Tom? He'll be so pissed off when he finds out. The things Josh has said about him to Seb. The strain it's put on their relationship. And Seb? He's put up with so much of Josh's shit while trying to help him."

  "What should I do? I love him, and I can't stay away from him. He's who I want."

  "I don't know. Fuck, Matt. You could have chosen anyone. Anyone would be better than Josh."

  Matt nodded, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. He picked up his
cup and drained the lukewarm coffee, and then he held it in his hands, staring at the remains in the bottom. The warmth from the cup penetrated his cold and clammy hands, and he closed his eyes thinking about ending his relationship with Josh.

  His chest tightened, and Matt struggled to breathe. His stomach rolled, and he swallowed, biting his lip. His eyes itched and burned, and he blinked rapidly to stop the tears from falling.

  He couldn't do it. He couldn't walk away from Josh. No matter how he treated him, he would always go back to him.

  He rubbed his chest trying to breathe past the tightness and coughed in an attempt to clear his throat.

  "I'm here, no matter what happens."

  "Thanks," Matt muttered, raising his eyes to look at Luke. "I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't leave him."

  The words came out as Matt choked and he raised a fist to his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut. He felt Luke next to him, and Matt leaned into him as he struggled with his emotions.

  Luke pulled him close. "It'll be alright, Matt. I'm here."

  ❊❊❊

  Josh slammed the door shut and threw his coat on the floor. Fucking parents. He fucking hated them. Why did he keep going? What the fuck was Seb doing there? Fucking Seb. He dropped to his bed and lay staring at the ceiling, gripping his phone in his hand.

  He lifted it and thumbed through the pictures on it. Pictures of Matt. Pictures of him and Matt. So many. He hadn't realised he'd taken so many. Josh paused when he saw the picture of Matt asleep in his bed. He'd taken the picture a few weeks ago when Matt had stayed over.

  Josh ran his thumb over the image as his stomach fluttered. His pulse quickened, and his heart seemed to hammer in his chest. He closed his eyes, gripping his phone. He always felt like this around Matt. Fuck, if Matt only knew how much he wanted him.

  Josh stood abruptly and paced his bedroom. He wasn't gay. It was just a phase he was going through. His gay phase. A phase that wouldn't fucking end. It wasn't like he looked at men. It was just Matt. Josh snorted, standing still, closing his eyes again. His head dropped, and his shoulders slumped. Why Matt? Why now?

  His phone rang, and he stared at the screen. The word 'Fuckers' showed, and he dropped the phone on the floor. He didn't want to speak to his parents. Fuckers was the right name for them. He hated them. What had he done to deserve the way they treated him? The way they made him feel like shit because he wasn't like Seb.

  When his phone rang again displaying the same caller name, he kicked it across the floor. Fuck them. Fuck his parents and Seb.

  "Fuckers," he shouted.

  He dropped to the floor and sat staring at the wall in front of him. If Seb hadn't seen Tom, none of this would have happened. The gay shit would have continued, but the other stuff...Matt. He wouldn't have met Matt.

  Josh pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, resting his head on his knees. Matt. He needed to talk to Matt. He needed to hear his voice. He'd know what to say. He crawled forward to his phone, picked it up and rang Matt's number.

  "Seb was there," Josh said as soon as Matt answered. "Got into a huge fight and then he left and those fuckers threatened me. They still want him to come 'round. Tried to talk him out of being with Tom. They still want Seb, but me? They couldn't give two fucks about me. They were arguing and Seb –"

  "Josh, calm down. I can't understand what you're saying."

  "Seb was there. After all the shit they spouted, they still had him there. Fucker can do no wrong, can he? I fucking hate them –"

  "I'm on my way. I'll be there in twenty minutes."

  Josh stared at his phone when Matt hung up. At least he would be here soon. He needed him. Josh stood and walked to the kitchen. He opened his fridge and grabbed a can of beer, opening it as he kicked the door shut. He swallowed quickly, spilling some of it down his shirt, and then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

  Thoughts of his parents, Tom and Seb, ran through his mind, and Josh struggled to switch his thoughts off. He didn't want to think about them, but he couldn't stop. Why did they prefer Seb? Seb couldn't do anything wrong, and Josh couldn't do anything right. Yeah, they'd let him fuck off Uni and travel, but in all that time, he only heard them talk about Seb. How well he was doing on his course or in his job. He couldn't even remember the last time they'd said anything positive to him.

  Lifting the can again, he continued to drink until he'd finished it. Why? What had he done wrong? Had he done something wrong? Was that why they were...indifferent to him?

  Belching, he opened the fridge door again and took out another can. Walking into the living room, Josh switched the TV on and slumped on the sofa. Glancing at the clock, he realised that the twenty minutes was almost up.

  How long had he stood in the kitchen thinking about them? He flinched when cold beer spilt on his jeans. Josh looked at the can, realising that he'd crushed the metal in his hand as he'd thought about them.

  When Josh heard the front door, he stood and opened it, letting Matt in. He watched Matt walk into the living room and turned to face him.

  "What's going on?"

  "Went 'round and Seb was there. They were already going on about Tom and Seb breaking up and then they wanted me to get involved. Like I give a shit. Dad hit me and –"

  "What? Your dad hit you?"

  "Yeah, but Seb pushed him –"

  Matt shook his head. "Wait. Seb defended you?"

  "Yes, let me fuckin' finish! Seb left and then I did, and they've been calling me since."

  "Your parents have been calling you?"

  "Guess I pissed them off 'cause I wouldn't side with them."

  "I thought you would have. You don't like gays, right? That's what you're always telling me."

  "No, I don't." He didn't want to talk about this, so why was Matt bringing it up?

  "'Cause you're not gay."

  "You know I'm not." He wasn't gay. It was Matt. He only wanted Matt. He couldn't be gay. Fuck, his life would be shit if people found out he was fucking Matt. He ran his hands over his face. He. Wasn't. Gay.

  "Yeah, course you're not."

  "What's that supposed to mean?"

  "You fuck me," Matt shouted at him.

  "I can fuckin' stop that. You're nothing important. An easy lay when I need to get off."

  Josh watched the cooler drain from Matt's face as it went blank. "Maybe I should start charging you."

  What the fuck? "Charging me? You fuckin' cunt. Once a whore and all that shit. Why have I wasted my time on some used goods like you?" Each word he said felt wrong, sitting like lead in his stomach, and his stomach rolled in protest.

  "Fine. Don't waste any more of your precious time. I'm done. I've had enough. I can't keep coming here and dealing with your issues. No one gives a shit if you're gay. So what if your parents disown you? They're shit anyway, aren't they? Isn't that what you're always telling me?" Matt walked to the front door and paused, turning to face Josh. "At least I'm happy with who and what I am. That's something you'll never be, Josh. Why did I ever love you?"

  Josh watched Matt close the door behind him and stood staring at it, willing Matt to come back. Matt loved him? Why had Josh said all that shit to Matt? Why did he always take it out on Matt?

  He grabbed the beer can and threw it at the wall.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Matt stared at the people on the dance floor and drained his vodka. He'd come out with Luke to get over Josh. It was Friday, and Matt hadn't spoken to him since the previous Sunday. Maybe he'd finally done it this time and had broken up with him.

  He rubbed his chest and inhaled deeply. His body was fucked up. Every time he thought about Josh, his body reacted. One minute he wanted to cry and the next he wanted to call Josh so he could scream at him. He'd barely slept or ate and had spent every night curled up in bed fighting back the tears. He'd cried enough.

  Fuck, Matt missed Josh. The way he smelled. The way he looked when he was asleep and completely relaxed. The way he moved when he.
..Fuck, he needed to stop thinking about him. But he couldn't. He felt like there was an emptiness inside him that only Josh could fill. He wanted him. Matt wanted to be with Josh. The number of times he'd picked his phone up to call him. In the end, he'd eventually given it to Luke and had him delete Josh's number so he couldn't contact him.

  Luke had asked him if he was sure he was making the right decision. No, he wasn't, but he couldn't keep going on the way he was. He couldn't keep being Josh's emotional punching bag. He knew Josh only lashed out because he didn't know how to deal with being gay or bisexual. And the way his parents were? That had to fuck you up. Being dragged to church to pray rather than having parents who cared for their son. The church had been more important to them than their own flesh and blood.

  Matt leant back in his chair and watched Luke dance with Sarah. He was smiling at her as he held her and Matt watched enviously as she pulled him down to kiss her.

  He looked away. He wasn't jealous of what Luke had. He wanted that too, but the one person he wanted it with, he couldn't have. Josh. What was he doing? Was he out with his friends looking to get laid? Probably be a woman too, 'cause he couldn't fuck a guy. He wasn't gay.

  Matt snorted, running his hand through his hair. He needed to stop thinking about him. Josh was nothing now. He was the past. So why couldn't he move on? Maybe he needed to get laid too. Find some hot guy and...

  "Hey. Are you gonna do some dancing?" Luke asked breathlessly as he reached for his drink on the table.

  "Later."

  "Here." Luke passed Sarah her drink.

  Matt looked at Sarah, taking in her appearance. Long dark auburn hair with pale blue eyes. She had the widest smile, and her whole face lit up when she looked at Luke. What he wouldn't give to have had Josh look at him like that. Her expression showed how much she liked Luke.

  "Headin' back. Come on and join us."

  "Luke..." Matt shook his head.

  Luke held his palms out in front of his chest as he stepped back. He smiled, looked at Sarah, and then winked at Matt as she pulled him back to the dance floor.